JOKE time...

[tcha]

guys just feel free to post jokes in here... let's laugh while we learn English!



I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution." :laugh1: :laugh1: :laugh1:

source: funnyjokes.com


:thankyou:

[Maria_maria]

guys just feel free to post jokes in here... let's laugh while we learn English!



I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution." :laugh1: :laugh1: :laugh1:

source: funnyjokes.com


:thankyou:

Uh oh!!! hahaha... It's so bad and so funny at the same time!!! :taz:

[tcha]

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period (http://www.kinglishschool.com/joke_q.htm#learn)?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

source: funnyjokes

[tcha]

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

source: kinglish

[tcha]

It's very funny... http://www.kinglishschool.com/forums/Smileys/default/grin.gif

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING… at yourself… and thinking of adding to this list !

^^^ source; kinglish

[tcha]

Roses are red, violets are blue
>Monkeys like you should be kept in the zoo.
>Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
>Not in a cage but laughing at you.

^^^^source funny poems...kinglish

[atz]

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?


^^^^
visit: funny poems...

[q_sharon]

The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?


^^^^
visit: funny poems...


:lol: LBM :lol:

I like this one. Seems to be original.

[gAn]

tcha & atz, thanks for making me laugh!

:lol:

[tcha]

tcha & atz, thanks for making me laugh!

:lol:

just wish I have time to search and think of jokes gAn!:music-smiley-7524:

[tcha]

Boy: "I want to marry you"
Girl: "But I am one year older than you."
Boy: "No Problem, then I will marry you next year."

[tcha]

Reality Check

We live in a city where PIZZA arrives earlier than Police or Ambulance...


source: funnyjokes

[tcha]

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy today. Sunny tomorrow.

[tcha]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3195/3082605755_224e56e5cb.jpg?v=0


WHAT KIND OF VARIETY?

^^^ from flickr.com

[tcha]

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/61637913@N00/3013842969/sizes/l/in/pool-413045@N24/)
http://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_yellow_tl.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_yellow_tr.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_yellow_bl.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_yellow_br.gif

http://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_tl.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_tr.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/pulser2.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_bl.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_br.gif
http://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_tl.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_tr.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_bl.gifhttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_br.gif
http://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_tl.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_t.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_tr.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_l.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_r.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_bl.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_b.pnghttp://l.yimg.com/g/images/tc_white_shadow_br.png
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3242/3013842969_109d9ed010.jpg?v=0

a sign seen in Puerto Vallarta...

^^^ source: flickr.com

[ronzam2002]

hahaha that was a funny joke!!!

[ronzam2002]

thats funny! @(^_^)@

[ronzam2002]

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
Who Who Who!

[ronzam2002]

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Who.
Who, who?
Is there an owl in here?

hahaha I hope you'll laugh!!!

[tcha]

hahaha that was a funny joke!!!

^^^:thankyou:ronzam... try posting here, make me laugh too!

[tcha]

CLEAN JOKES FOR SLIGHTLY TWISTED MINDS...

http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f13828%5fAKjFtEQAAOToSSb6CQcVR0Hhl VU&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1










http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f13828%5fAKjFtEQAAOToSSb6CQcVR0Hhl VU&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1





http://us.mg3.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f13828%5fAKjFtEQAAOToSSb6CQcVR0Hhl VU&pid=2.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1

^^^ this was sent to me via email...

[deicervantes]

Thanks for your funny jokes tcha!!!It reminds me how alive our first encounter... no dull moments with you. You really makes the world around you laugh. Thank you for inflicting happy moods to everyone. Keep it up. God bless!!!
:DANCER::DANCER::DANCER:

:bounce::bounce::bounce:

:superhappy::superhappy::superhappy:

:hihihi::hihihi::hihihi:

:glitterlol:

:thankyou:

[tcha]

The average housewife walks about four miles every year making beds.

[tcha]

Thanks for your funny jokes tcha!!!It reminds me how alive our first encounter... no dull moments with you. You really makes the world around you laugh. Thank you for inflicting happy moods to everyone. Keep it up. God bless!!!
:DANCER::DANCER::DANCER:

:bounce::bounce::bounce:

:superhappy::superhappy::superhappy:

:hihihi::hihihi::hihihi:

:glitterlol:

:thankyou:
^^^

yeah... so sad I didn't make it in the christmas party!:music-smiley-7524:

[nerzvil]

Only three doorsAn airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
***************************
Oh my! hhahahaha!!

[tcha]

CAREER CHANGE:

When Ruth’s grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, “Oh no, oh no, now I can’t be a doctor when I grow up.”
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn’t.
Finally she asked, “Why can’t you be a doctor?”
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, “Because now I will have to be a pirate!”

[tcha]

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

^^^source: coffee humor

[tcha]

10 things you should never tell your wife: :victory:

Wives can be touchy at times. That's when the going's good. Other times there are things you really don't wanna say. To ensure your continued marital bliss, here are some things you want to avoid saying, ever:
1. Have those jeans shrunk? They look tight on you...
2. What have you done to your hair?
3. You said I wasn't affectionate enough, so I've brought two girlfriends home...
4. Yesterday? Whaddaya mean our anniversary was yesterday?
5. You know, that friend of yours is a really attractive woman...
6. I'll tidy up my desk, when I'm good and ready...
7. You're just like my mother!
8. When I wanted to get married, you were my third choice...
9. What do you do all day anyway?
10. You're not fat, just slightly big...




^^^eslteachersboard

[gAn]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks, tcha! I would surely be offended when my husband tells me those things...except #3 (I trust that he doesn't have girlfriends) and #8 (I knew I was the first choice). :thatsit:

[tcha]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks, tcha! I would surely be offended when my husband tells me those things...except #3 (I trust that he doesn't have girlfriends) and #8 (I knew I was the first choice). :thatsit:


:thatsit::bravo:

[tcha]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

^^^ Dr Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire- walesonline.co.uk

[tcha]

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

^^^source: bored.com

[tcha]

Why do they call someone “late” if they died early?

^^^bored.com

[grammy]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND :itshere:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· AFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is an operating system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support
:sign_lol::bravo::thatsit:

[tcha]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND :itshere:


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· AFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is an operating system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support
:sign_lol::bravo::thatsit:



^^^ good one grammy

[tcha]

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
Wife: “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
Next-door Neighbor: (Protesting) Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
Wife: “Yes, but WHO WANTS HIM BACK?”



^^^quotesandtextmsgs.com

[gAn]

grammy, :thanks: for INSTALLING A HUSBAND !

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[tcha]

http://images.stanzapub.com/readers/purpleslinky/2008/04/29/152942_1.jpg


^^^socyberty.com

[tcha]

http://images.stanzapub.com/readers/purpleslinky/2008/04/29/152942_2.jpg


I can't follow with these instructions.

^^^socyberty.com

[tcha]

A blonde named her dogs Rolex and Timex.
I asked her why......
"HELLLOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!

^^^funnychix.com

[grammy]

LOST SAUSAGE


BARHOPPING ON A BUDGET

Larry and Steve wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00 between
them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went into a butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.

Steve said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of
Jack Daniels.

Steve said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said, "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Steve said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar.


Good day!!! :superhappy::hihihi::DANCER:

[tcha]

Corporate lingo!


COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.



^^^blogs.ibibo.com

[bLuh0pp3r]

:superhappy: Good comic relief!! :lol:

[tcha]

:superhappy: Good comic relief!! :lol:

^^^ yeah, feel free to post if you have any... thanks:DANCER:

[grammy]

THE BEST OF MR.BEAN

1) BRAIN TUMOR:
>
> Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
> Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
>
> Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
> Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
>
> Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
> Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
>
>
> 2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
>
> Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
> Mr. Bean: 9
>
> Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
> Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure,
> the answer is 6!!
>
>
> 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
>
> Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
> Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
> Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
>
>
> 4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
>
> Friend: What are you looking at?
> Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
> Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
> Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
>
>
> 5) Marriage:
>
> Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
> Mr. Bean: 16
>
> Friend: Why?
> Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and
> 4worse.
>
>
> 6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
>
> Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
> Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I
> didn't see any picture.
>
> Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
> Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
>
>
> 7)DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
> Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
> Friend: condolence, my friend.
>
> (After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
> Friend: what now?
>
> Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
>
>
> 8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
>
> Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs
> because of a power failure.
> Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for
> 3 hrs.
>

[grammy]

I Love my new Doctor!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLOCocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had aboutfoodand diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.

[tcha]

Why is HONEY golden in color?
A) Because of the Sun the flowers receive?
B) Because Flower Pollen is naturally Golden?
C) Because it's manufactured that way?
D) I don't know.




The answer may be found below.




A little lower...



Just a little lower now...












http://www.berro.com/_funny/funny_bee_why_bee_is_golden_berro_website.gif



^^^berro.com

[g0rge0us]

Blonde and Brunette, Falling


A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first? The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.






http://www.jokes.com/funny/blonde/blonde-and-brunette--falling

[glo]

The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[jocelasi]

Question: What is adultery?
Answer: Two wrong people doing the right thing.

Question: What is dancing
Answer: It is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.

Source: my college professor

[ronzam2002]

Honeymooners
A recently-married man goes into a drugstore to pick up some things. The clerk greets him....

Clerk: Hey, how did the wedding go?
Man: Well, we got married.
Clerk: That's good!
Man: No, that's bad. I wasn't wearing any clothes.
Clerk: Oh that is bad!
Man: No, that's good -- she didn't care and she's rich.
Clerk: Oh, that is good.
Man: No, that's bad. She won't give me any or spend any of it.
Clerk: Oh, that's bad.
Man: No, that's good: She bought a house.
Clerk: Oh, that's good
Man: No, that's bad -- it burned down.
Clerk: Oh that is bad.
Man: No that's good -- she was in it!:glitterlol:

[luv urself]

hi everyone! im just new here, please forgive me if my english is not that good thats why i join this website to improve my english.. i dont mind if somebody correct my english..thanks you

[pinoypower]

hi everyone! im just new here, please forgive me if my english is not that good thats why i join this website to improve my english.. i dont mind if somebody correct my english..thanks you

You must be joking! You're not that bad in English. Punctuation and capitalization maybe?

Anyway, welcome to English Coffee where learning is fun!:welcome::happy0045:

[pinoypower]

I Love my new Doctor!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the lifeof your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLOCocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had aboutfoodand diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather toskid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming.

This is the surest way to live and die happily.:lol:

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hi everyone! im just new here, please forgive me if my english is not that good thats why i join this website to improve my english.. i dont mind if somebody correct my english..thanks you


^^^ forget about having mistakes in your English, just enjoy it here...
right pinoypower??? You are most welcome!:well_done:

[ronzam2002]

Classmate 1: What is 5 plus 4?

Erap: Eh di 9!

Classmate 2: What is 4 plus 5?

Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako eh binaligtad mo lang... eh di 6!

[tcha]

A Polish mother's letter to her son:

Dear Son:
Just a few lines to let you know that I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. . . we've moved.
About your father. . . He has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it wasn't working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or girl, so I don't know whether you're an aunt or uncle.
Your Uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in a Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took three days to put out the fire.
Your father didn't have much to drink at Christmas. I put a bottle of castor oil in his pint of beer. That kept him going till New Years day.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube into my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
It only rained twice last week. First for 3 days, and then for 4 days. Monday it was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the last installment wasn't paid on your grandmother within 7 days; up she comes.
Your Loving Mother,
P. S. I was going to send you $10.00 but I had already sealed the envelope. :itshere:


^^^jokersrevenge.com

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WIFE JOKES:

"I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single?"I've been married for 49 years. (or it seems like 49 years....) Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for many years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, "I" stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
While driving the car on a cross country trip I decided to lose 120 pounds of ugly fat... I left my wife at a rest stop...
My ex-con friend recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like minIature handcuffs....."


^^^jokersrevenge.com

[tcha]

MEN JOKES:

What's the difference between men an government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know .... it's never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
What's the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
What do you have when you have two balls in your hands?
A man's undivided attention.
What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get,
and how long it'll stay.
Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
He knows first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who
makes all their decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won a gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three! One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"


^^^jokersrevenge.com

[tcha]

JOKE FROM A FEMALE'S PERSPECTIVE;

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
^^^jokersrevenge.com

[tcha]

THEN FROM THE MEN'S PERSPECTIVE:
Why do men like love at first sight? Because he knows it's all over as soon as she opens her mouth.A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? How much his wife has begun to resemble Morly Safer.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? Their target audience is women.
What should you give a man who has everything? A mute nymphomanic 18 year old girlfriend.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? Penis envy.
Why do women have mid-life crises? Because Phil and Oprah say they're supposed to.
How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? Sex, stupidity.
What do you do with a 40 year old woman who thinks she's God's gift? Trade her in for two 20 year olds.
Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.
What's the difference between a wife and a job. After 5 years, the job still sucks.
Why is sleeping with a woman like a soap opera? Cause it's the same tired old plot, year in and year out.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.
What is the thinnest book in the world? Biographies of Happy women.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same, steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't understand them.

^^^jokersrevenge.com

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^^^engrishfunny.com

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http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/engrish-funny-stretch-plate.jpg
^^^engrishfunny.com

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http://engrishfunny.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/engrish-funny-crips-fillet.jpg
^^^engrishfunny.com